I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it glows. i had to have it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
A bitchslap is in order.
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