Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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