youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
