I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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