I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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