you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
