Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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