What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
