All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
