I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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