i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize