I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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