Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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