Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
