I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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