Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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