i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
