Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
