she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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