just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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