Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
