if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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