i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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