I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
