Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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