somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize