I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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