you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
