Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
