mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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