the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
