I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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