Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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