Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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