i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
