We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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