She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
