I could make wine with my vomit
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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