come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
