Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
