why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just pee around me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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