why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
