I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
MIDGETS
????
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
