matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
