so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
