Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
