Redeem this text for a blowjob
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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