The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize