What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
