All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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