getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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