I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
