i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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