I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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