i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My liver just had a heart attack.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
