My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
