There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
