I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
